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Even Now, Even Now

Sweetener

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Music: Sweetener — Even Now, Even Now (Voyager Sound Records) · https://play.voyagersoundrecords.com/sweetener/even-now-even-now

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Lyrics

Your jacket on my chair Still smells like rain and soap I found the receipt For peaches and black coffee In the pocket with your key I kept it by mistake Like I was waiting For my hand to forget I washed my face twice Still saw you in the drain I laughed with my friends Then went quiet again Some nights I wear My worst look like a crown And every mirror knows I’m the one who let it down Say my name out loud Say my name out loud I broke my own heart And I’m still here Say my name out loud Say my name out loud Let the whole room know I was here The bus stop bench was wet My sleeves were full of cold You said “take care” so soft It nearly split me open At the corner store I bought gum and aspirin And a lighter I don’t smoke Just to have something to hold I folded your note Into a little square Kept it in my wallet Like a bruise I’d wear Some nights I’m seventeen And sitting on the floor Hearing your footsteps fade Behind the kitchen door Say my name out loud Say my name out loud I broke my own heart And I’m still here Say my name out loud Say my name out loud Let the whole room know I was here I don’t want pity I want the truth That even cracked glass Can still catch the moon So if I shake Let me shake right through I’m not gone I’m becoming new Say my name out loud Say my name out loud I broke my own heart And I’m still here Say my name out loud Say my name out loud Let the whole room know I was here Say my name out loud (Out loud) I was here (Say my name out loud)

Lyrics

Your toothbrush still by the sink Mint paste, cracked plastic cap I fold your blue socks in half Like that could bring you back The bus hissed past the window I stood there, holding my coat My mother asked if I was fine I said, "Yeah," and choked on smoke And I laughed too loud at dinner Like nobody could tell I kept your name in my mouth Like a stone in a well I slept with the hall light on Your shirt across the chair I hated how much I missed you I hated that you weren't there You knew me first You knew me first Now I can't look up Now I can't look up Say it again Say it again I was never enough I was never enough The train map in my backpack Still folded to your stop Our photo under a magnet With the edges all bent up I saw your name on the receipt From the corner store in May Two sodas, gum, a packet of chips Nothing to throw away I scrubbed my hands till they burned Like I could wash off shame But your shadow stayed in the tiles And called me by my name And I smiled when they asked me What I did with my night While a whole little movie Kept breaking in my mind The bruise under my collar The salt at the back of my tongue I keep it where nobody sees it I keep it young You knew me first You knew me first Now I can't look up Now I can't look up Say it again Say it again I was never enough I was never enough If I could go back one hour I'd leave the door unlocked I'd tell that scared kid in the mirror Baby, it's not your fault But the words come out all jagged And the room goes still again So I let it break me open So I can breathe again You knew me first You knew me first Now I can't look up Now I can't look up Say it again Say it again I was never enough I was never enough

Lyrics

Your blue towel on my chair Still damp from last night I folded it twice Then left it there I ate toast standing up By the sink with the crack In the yellow plate That we never threw back I saw your name On the screen I let it ring Then I deleted the thing I still miss you I still miss you In every room I still miss you The bus stop rain In your thrift-store coat The gum in my bag And your hand on my throat Not hurt Just held Like you knew I might fall I laughed in the stairwell Then cried in the hall And I hate How I keep Your small hard truths In the back of my sleep I still miss you I still miss you In every room I still miss you I washed that towel Hung it by the door Now it smells like soap And you live there more I got good at saying I'm fine, I'm fine But the truth keeps breaking On the edge of my tongue I still miss you I still miss you In every room I still miss you Blue towel On my chair Blue towel You were there

Lyrics

I left my keys in your bowl By the door with the blue tape Your t-shirt on my chair Still folded like it knows me The sink had one black grape Rolling beside your ring I held it in my palm Like it was proof of something I laughed too hard at nothing When your name came on the screen Now the room keeps your shape In the dust on the TV I still want you I still want you Even now, even now I still want you I still want you Say it loud, let it burn out The bus passed our old stop And I looked at the window Saw us in the glass All wrists and winter yellow I washed your mug three times Till the inside shone Then stood there with the towel Like I had done something wrong I hide it in my jacket I bite down on my tongue But the hurt comes back Like a song half sung I still want you I still want you Even now, even now I still want you I still want you Say it loud, let it burn out If shame had a face I know mine by heart It blooms in my throat Then it tears apart And for one bright second I’m not afraid of the ache I open both hands And let it take I still want you I still want you Even now, even now I still want you I still want you Say it loud, let it burn out I still want you I still want you Till the whole room shakes tonight

Lyrics

I kept your receipt in my coat Coffee ring on the fold Mum asked why I’m so quiet I said, “Long day, I’m old” Your hoodie still on my chair One sleeve missing its mate I wore it to take out the bins Like that could change the date And I laughed too loud at the wrong time Then cried in the bathroom light I could taste that shame on my tongue Like metal in a bite Hold me up Hold me up I’m still here, I’m still here Hold me up Hold me up Till the room turns clear I saw your name on my screen Then my hand went cold I walked past the frozen peas And bought the mango roll At the bus stop, kids were singing One note, off and true It hit me like a window How I still wanted you And I smiled for the people I know Like a cup with a hairline crack I kept every piece you left I just never gave them back Hold me up Hold me up I’m still here, I’m still here Hold me up Hold me up Till the room turns clear If you see me at the corner shop With my heart in my hands Don’t ask for the version of me Who could always understand Let the flood come through Let the lights go white I was made of your leaving Now I’m learning my own right Hold me up Hold me up I’m still here, I’m still here Hold me up Hold me up Till the room turns clear Hold me up Hold me up Say it loud, say it near Hold me up Hold me up I can disappear

Lyrics

I kept your hoodie on my chair It smelled like laundromat soap And rain on the train home My thumb on the torn cuff seam I lied and said I'm fine To the guy at the corner store Bought gum, a plastic lighter And couldn't hold my face still I wash the dishes twice Still see your name in the foam I laugh too loud in public Then fall apart alone I miss you I miss you I miss you out loud I miss you I miss you I want you back now Your voicemail still on my phone Right after the grocery list Milk, eggs, and a hello I can't delete that part I sat on the fire escape With a bruise on my right knee From falling out of the bus When you said don't look at me Now every yellow towel Feels like a cheap goodbye I wear my shame like perfume And I hate how it dries I miss you I miss you I miss you out loud I miss you I miss you I want you back now If I confess it all Would you still know my face? All that broken glass And the sweet little things we made I was just a kid With my heart in my hands Trying to hold your shadow Like it was something I planned I miss you I miss you I miss you out loud I miss you I miss you I want you back now I miss you I miss you And the room sings it now

Lyrics

I left your mug by the stove Blue ring at the bottom My shirt still smells like smoke From that porch in August I folded my shame in half Put it in the laundry Still there in the cuff Still there in the coffee I watched the rain on the glass Like it knew my name I kept one hand on my chest To hold it in place All the little things you said Come back like a wave I miss you bad I miss you bad I miss you bad I’m not okay I miss you bad I miss you bad I miss you bad Say it and stay Your key on the little dish Next to the receipt stack A bruise-colored peach on the counter Going soft in the back I laughed at a bad old song Then I started crying In the dark of the hallway With my phone face-down beside me I saw our names in the tile Like a cracked-up vow I wanted to call you up But I don’t know how Every room keeps your shape Even when you’re gone I miss you bad I miss you bad I miss you bad I’m not okay I miss you bad I miss you bad I miss you bad Say it and stay If I am honest I loved you in pieces I hid the worst parts Behind my teeth But when the light hits That chipped-up window I can still see us Shining through me I miss you bad I miss you bad I miss you bad I’m not okay I miss you bad I miss you bad I miss you bad Say it and stay I miss you bad I miss you bad I miss you bad Shout it my way

Lyrics

Your hoodie on my chair Still smells like laundromat soap The shoebox by the sink Full of bus stubs and hope Your key's on my ring I never sent it back I found your gum wrapper In the pocket of my jacket I wash my face too hard Till the mirror goes blind I laugh at the right times But my mouth feels left behind And I hate that I know How your door sticks in rain How the kettle screams first Then the whole place feels strange I loved you bad I loved you bad I loved you bad And I still do I loved you bad I loved you bad I loved you bad And I still do At the corner store I grabbed two cans, then froze You used to steal the peach one And leave me the cold My voicemail is full Of me talking too fast Saying, "I'm outside" Then deleting it after Your name in my phone Still glows in the dark Like a little bad prayer I can't pull apart I wipe the counter clean Like I can scrub you out But the orange juice ring Keeps coming back somehow And I hate that I miss Even the dumb little fights Your socks on the radiator Your keys by the light I loved you bad I loved you bad I loved you bad And I still do I loved you bad I loved you bad I loved you bad And I still do If I see you tonight I might fold in half Laugh at the wrong moment Then cry in the cab So I stand in the hall With my hand on the wall Let it all come up Let it all fall I loved you bad I loved you bad I loved you bad And I still do I loved you bad I loved you bad I loved you bad And I still do I loved you bad I loved you bad I loved you bad And I still do